Chuck Norris can turn on clapper lights by flexing.
Q: What did the sergeant tomato say to the slacker soldier tomato? A: "You better catch up!"
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
Man: When I bend my arm like this it hurts? Doctor: Well, stop doing it!
When Chuck crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
Q: How is Yo' Mama like the New York Jets? A: You give them a quarter, and they'll let you score.
Chuck Norris uses live piranhas as bath toys.
Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz? A: Cheez Whuz.
Yo' Mama is so ugly, she can only grow hair on her nuts.
Yo momma so fat it's not even funny anymore.