Best jokes ever

I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that." I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you." After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
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So the buddhist pulls a gun out of his coat and the vendor says, "Whoa whoa whoa, what about inner peace?". The Buddhist responds "This is my inner piece".
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What's a skunk's philosophy of life? Eat, stink and be merry.
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Q: How did the pirate become a boxing champion so fast? A: Nobody was ready to take on his right hook.
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It's Halloween and when the man answers his door, there's a well-dressed young boy there wearing a suit and matching tie, who says "Trick or treat". The man's a bit confused so he asks the boy what he's dressed up as. "I'm an IRS agent", says the boy, and with that, he snatches 40% of the candy, and leaves without saying thank you.
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Q: How did the butcher introduce his wife? A: Meet Patty.
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Chuck Norris can get a strike in bowling using a ping-pong ball.
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Seth: "Why is basketball the messiest Olympic sport?" Will: "I don't know." Seth: "Because the players dribble all over the court!"
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A businessman was interviewing job applications for the position of manager of a large division. He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?" The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two". The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it." The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001." Next came an attorney. He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four." Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant. When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down. Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.
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Q: What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with? A: Why, shortbread of course!
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