A student to his teacher: "I haven't got no pencil."
Teacher, correcting him: "You don't have any pencil.
He doesn't have any pencils.
We don't have any pencils."
Student, with a look of astonishment: "Where have all the pencils gone?"
There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk.
When the bar closes he gets up to go home.
He stumbles and falls couple of times and finally manages to get out of the door.
As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing by.
He stumbles over to her and starts punching her in the face.
The nun is shocked beyond belief, but before she could say anything, he leans over and punches her again.
This time the nun hits the pavement.
The drunk stumbles over to her, kicks her in the butt, picks her up and throws her against the wall.
By now the nun is very weak and can barely move.
He leans over her, grabbing her by the collar of her habit and says, "Not feeling too STRONG tonight, I thought you would be tougher Batman!"
Fishing in a frozen lake
It was a cold winter day.
An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.
He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him.
The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish.
Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.
"Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble.
You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish!
How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"
Chuck Norris doesn't have an Ipod, he has an Ifist.
Vote:
The judge:
Why did you shoot the rabbit without being a member of the hunters association?
The inculpated:
Why did the rabbit eat cabbage from my garden, without being a family member?
Judge Claudia Jordan of Denver slipped a message to her clerk during a trial.
The note said: “Blind on the right side. May be falling. Please call someone.”
The clerk called 9-1-1.
She told the judge not to worry, help was on the way.
The judge made a noise.
“I wanted someone from maintenance,” she said.
The trouble was the window blinds on the courtroom’s right side.
The judge appologized to the paramedics when they arrived.
Chuck Norris got a perfect SAT score by just putting his name on the paper...
Vote:
Chuck Norris once uppercut a horse and that is how the giraffe was created.
Vote:
Chuck gives the sun the chills.
Vote:
Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby's crib?
A: A snowmobile!