Happy Father's Day to someone who knew long before me that all the boys I brought home were jerks.
My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.
Seth: "Why is basketball the messiest Olympic sport?" Will: "I don't know." Seth: "Because the players dribble all over the court!"
Chuck Norris once bench pressed an 18 wheeler. With him inside it.
Q: What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with? A: Why, shortbread of course!
Put a "Please Use Other Door" sign on the entrance to your office building if it only has one entrance.
Patty was quietly minding her own business, eating her soup alone in her booth at a local eatery, when a voice startled her from behind. It was the guy in the booth behind her. "Not so loud!" he said. "What?" she questioned, as she took another spoonful of soup. "I said not so loud!" was his muffled reply. Embarrassed at being told she was slurping her soup, she pushed away her bowl and started her grilled cheese sandwich. "How was your day?" questioned the man from behind once again. "Pretty good" responded Patty, confused that this stranger would care. "Did you pass the exam?" came the next question from behind. "I don't know, I didn't get my grade yet" replied a thoroughly bewildered Patty. "I'll have to call you back when I'm out of here", came the voice from behind once again, "some nut job is answering every question I ask you!
Two students talk: "What are you reading?" "Quantum physics theory book." "But why are you reading it upside-down?" "It makes no difference anyway."
Q: Why did the programmer quit his job? A: Because he didn't get arrays.
Which is the most dangerous animal in the Northern Hemisphere? Yak the Ripper.