A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job... He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it. He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job". He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved".
Yo momma is so fat her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does.
Yo' Mama is like ass hair: totally useless and full of sh*t.
Q. Why did the woman bury her husband 12 feet under? A. Because deep down he's a good person.
Yo momma is so fat, that the last time she farted, a director came up with the movie "Twister".
Q. Why do men name their penises? A. Because they don't want ninety per cent of their decisions made by a perfect stranger.
Yo momma’s so stupid, when she went to a movie and it said, ‘Under 17 not admitted’, she went home to find 16 relatives.
Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies? A: A rotisserie chicken.
Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed? She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."