How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? Wave to her.
A blonde goes to the hospital to give blood and is asked what type she is. She tells them she’s an outgoing cat-lover.
I know a lady who blew her man's jimmy off because he wanted to be down with O.P.P. Now he down with No P.P.
A lawyer buys a farm as a weekend retreat. While walking round his new property he looks down and sees that his feet are in the middle of a huge cowpat. The lawyer starts yelling, ‘Oh my God! Help me, help me!’ His wife runs up and asks what’s the matter. The lawyer points to his feet and screams, ‘I’m melting! I’m melting…!’
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals."
Everyone knows Chuck Norris' pet rock... he named it "Earth."
There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, “This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!” The farmer looked puzzled and replied, “What’s time to a pig?”
Q: What do a bungee jump cord and a hooker have in common? A: If the rubber breaks you're screwed.
Chuck norris can kick you in the back of your face.