Best jokes ever

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Vote: has 89.35 % from 243 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, birthday, wife
Wife: Do you want dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and no.
Vote: has 89.34 % from 164 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?" "Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her." Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"
Vote: has 89.33 % from 820 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, time, dating, kids, sex
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Vote: has 89.31 % from 175 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
Vote: has 89.31 % from 231 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, marriage, wife, alcohol
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Vote: has 89.30 % from 264 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."
Vote: has 89.30 % from 3691 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, food, age, love
A man is talking to the family doctor, "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is." The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?" He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what’s for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"
Vote: has 89.30 % from 242 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, family, doctor, wife, food
Q: Why do brides smile while they walk down the wedding aisle? A: They realize they've given their last blow jobs.
Vote: has 89.30 % from 253 votes. Send joke:

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Wife to her husband: "I told you I'll be back in five minutes, so why you are calling me every half an hour?"
Vote: has 89.29 % from 186 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage