They say that if I don't support transgender rights I'm on the wrong side of history.
At least I'm on the right side of the firing squad.
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Chuck Norris is the reason why Einstein's theory of relativity is still a theory.
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Chuck Norris didn't sign the Declaration of Idependence because he wanted the British to think they had chance.
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No matter how fast you run, Chuck Norris will always walk faster.
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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
"Have you any grounds?"
"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It made of concrete."
"I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have carport, and not need one."
"I mean. What are your relations like?"
"All my relations still in Poland."
"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."
"Does your wife beat you up?"
"No, I always up before her."
"Is your wife a nagger?"
"No, she white."
"Why do you want this divorce?"
"She going to kill me."
"What makes you think that?"
"I got proof."
"What kind of proof?"
"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom."
"I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover.'"
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Chuck Norris was born Sept. 1 1945.
World War 2 ended Sept. 2 1945.
What a coincidence.
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A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet.
"Does your dog bite?"
"No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."
Your mom is so stupid she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
After any salary rise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.