Did you hear about the mathematician with constipation ? He had to work it out with a pencil...
Little Johnny: „Mom, can I get a dog at Christmas, please?" Mother: „No, you'll be getting turkey, like every year!"
Whats the difference between Paris Hilton and a bowling ball? You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!
Father: "You've got 4 D's and a C on your report." Son: "Maybe I concentrated too much on the one subject..."
Men, don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms; buy an ordinary one and slip in a handful of frozen peas.
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office. At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses. At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful ‘Independence day' in all my life!"
The absent-minded teacher paused to chat awhile with one of her students, then asked, "Which way was I going when I stopped to talk to you?" "That way", the student pointed. ''Good,'' said the teacher, ''then I've had my lunch."
How does a gay man fake an orgasm? He spits on his partners back.
Q: What do you call a blonde doing a handstand? A: A brunette with bad breath.
Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her."