Q: How does a man show he is planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer.
Randy Johnson can throw a fastball 101mph. Chuck Norris can throw Randy Johnson 101mph.
There are 2 women getting ready to leave for work. The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat. The brunette says: "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde: "So, do you see any cops?" The blonde replies: "Yes!" The brunette says: "Are they behind us?" "Yes!" "Are they close?" "Yes!" "Are they going to stop us?" "I don't know!" "Well, are their lights on?" The blonde replies: "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...!
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
The cannibal priest told his flock to close their eyes and say grace. "For whosoever we are about to eat, may the Lord make us truly thankful."
Yo momma’s so stupid, she died before the police arrived because she couldn’t find the ‘11’ button in ‘9-1-1’.
A couple celebrating their 50th anniversary had many well wishers stop by to congratulate them. After all of their guest had left, the two settled into recliners. “Mother,” the man said, “our marriage is tried and true.” “What’s that you say?” she asked. “You know I can’t hear without my hearing aid.” “I said, our marriage is tried and true,” he repated, a little louder.
What do you get when you cross a bunny with an orange? A pip squeak.
Yo momma's so stupid, she put two quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 Cent.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.