How do you get 100 babies into a bucket? With a blender!
Q. Why don't lions eat clowns? A. Because they taste funny.
Marriage is not a lottery – you get a chance in a lottery.
The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over. "You got any I.D.?" the patrolman asked." "'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied.
Q: What is 40 feet long and smells like urine? A: Line dancing at a nursing home.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
They said the baby looked like me. Until they turned him the right way up.
How do I know that my youth is all spent? Well, my get up and go has got up and went. But in spite of it all I am able to grin when I recall where my get up has been.
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain." "Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "ohh No, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked, "does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "yes, that feels pretty good ... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"