Your momma so stupid, when I told her it was chilly outside she ran out with a spoon!
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books. The words assemble themselves out of fear.
After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
Chuck Norris can alphabetize m&m's
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
I never drink unless I’m alone or with somebody.
‘I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping Tom booing me.’ Rodney Dangerfield
What’s the definition of a Yankee? Same thing as a ‘quickie’ but you do it yourself.
What's red and crawls up your leg? A homesick miscarriage.
‘Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.’ Rodney Dangerfield