You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Don't ride the kiddie merrygo round when you are drunk, so get off.
A feminist walks into a bar that has a sign marked: ‘For Men Only.’
‘I’m sorry, ma’am,’ says the bartender.
‘We only serve men in this place.’
‘That’s OK,’ she says. ‘I’ll take two of them.’
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.
They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled,
"SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
A bus conductor asks a drunk for his ticket.
He goes through all his pockets but can’t find it.
‘It’s okay,’ says the conductor.
‘I’m sure you paid.’
‘Never mind that,’ says the drunk.
‘If I can’t find it how am I supposed to know where I’m going?’
A policeman has just stopped a drunk driver and given him a breathalyser test.
‘I’m sorry, sir,’ says the policeman.
‘But this bag tells me you’ve been drinking too much.’
‘What a coincidence!’ exclaims the driver.
‘I’ve got a bag at home that does the exactly the same thing!'
A woman is chatting with her friends when she points at a man in the street, ‘That’s my nextdoor neighbour. He’s an alcoholic!’
One of her friends asks, ‘How do you know that?’
The woman replies, ‘Yesterday he was at the bar drinking next to me all night.'
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink.
When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
We call my father-in-law the exorcist.
Every time he visits he rids the house of spirits.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.