Q: What's gray on the inside and clear on the outside? A: An elephant in a plastic bag.
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." Te bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
A plowhorse, a honeybee and an old geezer are debating about which of them is the greatest. The horse says, "I can plow all day long to provide food for dozens of people!" " The bee says, "I pollinate all the plants every year and make honey besides!" The old geezer says... (We're waiting...)
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were having a conversation one fine Sunday evening. One remarked to the other, ‘I got a new hearing device and it works fine?' The second said, ‘oh yes, my grandchildren just love the gifts of my choice.' The third one who noticed the hearing device in the ear of the first one asked, what kind is it?' The one with the brand new hearing device answered ‘about 6 O'clock'. All three of them looked up in the birds in the sky and said, "Birds of the same feather ‘flock' together."
Name an animal that lives in Lapland? A reindeer Good, now name another. Another reindeer!
How to catch a polar bear: Go up north and find a frozen lake or pond. Cut a large hole in the ice. Open a can of green peas, and place the peas around the edge of the hole single file. Hide behind a nearby rock. When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole!
How can you tell that elephants have been doing it in your garage? All your Hefty Bags are missing.
''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
What color socks do bears wear? (They don't wear socks, they have bear feet!)
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig? (A teddy boar!)