The best animal jokes

A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree. He is watched by a sparrow who can't help laughing and eventually says "Don't you know there aren't any apples on the tree yet?" "Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the time I get up there."
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More jokes about: animal, travel, food
A Girl was towelling her wet pussy. She enjoyed it so much that she began to rub it vigorously until... ...the pussy cried "Meow" and runs away. Moral Lessons 1. Be kind to Animals 2. Always keep your thoughts clean...
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More jokes about: animal, sex, women
If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.
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More jokes about: life, god, animal, food
Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he'll say, "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, who says "apple." This continues because the teacher knows that Little Johnny knows a cuss word for every letter of the alphabet. Then she gets to "R." She can't think of any cuss words that begin with R, so she calls on Johnny. He exclaims, "R is for rats big f**king rats, with 12-inch c**ks!"
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More jokes about: little Johnny, age, teacher, animal
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times." The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and f*uck the cat."
Vote: has 77.17 % from 58 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, bar, alcohol
Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years. An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." The statues came to life and smiled at each other. They ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Giggling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
Vote: has 77.03 % from 41 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: disgusting, life, couple, time, animal
Local mountain lions have been complaining about the recent string of Chuck Norris attacks.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, animal
In India, cows wait until Chuck Norris crosses the street.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, animal
Koala: What do you mean, I'm not a bear? I have all the koalafications. Elephant: Your koalafications are completely irrelephant. Lion: Don't listen to him! He's lion! Bear: This arguing is becoming unbearable!
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More jokes about: animal, elephant
Unicorns are extinct but Chuck Norris used all their horns as toothpicks.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, animal