I’ve never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man they love in a cat.
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe, and the giraffe gets waay too drunk.
The bartender says, "Hey! you can't leave that lyin' there!"
The guy goes, "that's not a lion its a giraffe!"
How do elephants hide in the jungle?
Paint their balls red and pretend they are cherries!
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
Monkeys eating cherries...
What do a rattlesnake and a soft penis have in common?
You can't f**k with either one.
If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?
The Captains Dinghy!
What do cows do for entertainment?
They go to the mooooovies.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly.
So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."
Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
Roses are red.
Your blood is too.
You look like a monkey
And belong in a zoo.
Do not worry,
I'll be there too.
Not in the cage,
But laughing at you.
Yo mama's so fat, Godzilla tried to f**k her and fell in.