The best animal jokes

The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. “I’m ashamed to bring this up,” he said, “but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample.” The woman was shocked. “Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman.” The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, “He’s a pragmatic, man. After all, to him it’s not a big deal… just a sample.” She thought a minute. “A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don’t give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.
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What dog can jump higher than a building? Anydog, buildings can't jump!
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What do a rattlesnake and a soft penis have in common? You can't f**k with either one.
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Q: What does an elephant use as tampon? A: A sheep.
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What dinosaur can't stay out in the rain? Stegosaur-rust.
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A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender "give us two beers over here!" The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says, "Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!" The man say's to the bartender, "oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have." The bartender replied back, "well I'll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!" The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar. The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He's so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks! The bartender was amazed and says, "alright lets try one more". This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says "lets see him play this!" The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile. The bartender shouted out " See I knew he couldn't play all these instruments!" And the man replies, "Just give him a few more minutes... as soon as he figures out he can't have sex with it, he'll play it!"
Vote: has 56.86 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

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Q:Why don't giraffes like fast food? A:Because they can't catch it!
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Q:Why do ducks have webbed feet? A:To stamp out fires. Q:Why do elephants have flat feet? A:To stamp out burning ducks
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Q. What’s got 4 legs and bleeds? A. Half a spider!
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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says: "Dam"
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