A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.
“Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”.
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing.
You know, a little peace and quiet?”
“Yeah. But today is the last day”.
A man went into a bar in a high rise.
He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out.
He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more.
Finally the man asked if he could have a pill.
The flier said it was his last one.
The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars.
The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar.
The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death.
The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.
This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on.
The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?"
The man replies, "David Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?"
The man replies, " David Jones." This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on.
The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "David Jones."
Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look Who the hell are you mate?"
And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones!"
One day a man and a giraffe go to a pub they have a couple of drinks then on their way out the giraffe falls over and blocks the door the bar.
Man says "you can leave that lion here."
The man said "it's not a lion its a giraffe you idiot."
Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by.
One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to fuck her!
The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"?
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and hugged her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife.
You look exactly like her."
"You worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
There were three guys in a bar boasting about the amount of control they have over their wives after getting drunk.
One said my wife never says no to me, the second one says my wife always says yes to me.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed.
"What happened then?"
They asked.
She said, "get out from under the bed and fight like a man".
There was a vampire who walked into a vampire bar and asked the bartender for a glass of hot water.
The bartender asked what for, because everyone else was drinking blood.
The vampire pulled out a bloody tampon and said "TEA TIME!"
Vote:
A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in.
The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!"
The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?"
The bartender says, "Yeah.."
The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?"
The bartender says, "It's across the road."
A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender looks down and says, "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants"
The pirate replies, "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts."