The best thing after an intensive argument is the peace-sex. But I hate when I argue with my father-in-law.
Me: "Here comes the airplane!" Baby: Opens mouth. Me: "OH NO! It's the Taliban!" Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon. "KA-BOOM"
Patient: "Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?" Doctor: "Use a pencil till I come to see your son."
What happened when a cannibal went on a self-catering holiday? He ate himself.
Who's the most famous Jewish cook in history? Hitler.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine. I guess that was why several of us died of tuberculosis.
I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake. A bittersweet victory.
After a long labour, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, "Ma'am, I've got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?" After quickly thinking it over, she responds, "I'll have the bad news first doctor". The doctor replies, "We'll, I'm not sure how to put this, and I'm sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair". Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother face. "Doctor, if that's the bad news, what's the good news". The doctor replies, "He's dead".
Why do Mexicans eat beans for dinner? So they can take bubble baths.
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."