A blonde pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died. After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. "What's the story?" she asked. "Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied. "How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.” “That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.” “Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.” The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?” “No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Yo mama so old her drivers license in hieroglyphics.
If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over! To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend. Hit "any key" to continue life when ready. To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster. To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel. To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. When you loose your car keys, click on find. "Help" with the chores is just a click away. Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash. And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to you.
A gypsy man buys land next to the house of a doctor. He hires an engineer and then gets him build an identical house. When he finished the house, the gypsy man comes to the balcony and shouts the doctor. "Doctor – Doctor!" "What is you gypsy eh?" The doctor says. "Well, maybe you don’t like me but we are the same because we have the same house!" "No way, the doctor says, because we do not have the same furniture..." the gypsy man angry as he is, oders the same furniture and he comes to the balcony again. "Doctor – Doctor! We have the same house, the same furniture, we are the same ourselves!" "What are you saying you stupid gypsy do we have the same car?" the doctor says. and shows at his luxurious MERCEDES in the garage. Angrier the gypsy man gets loans and buy an identical MERCEDES and goes back to the balcony. "Doctor – Doctor!" "What do you want again eh?" doctor says "I am “better” than you!" "Why is that eh?" doctor says. "We own the same house, furniture and same car, right?" The gypsy says. "I agree, but do these make you better than me?" the doctor says. "Because I have a neighbor doctor, and you have a neighbor Gypsy!Ha!"
Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats.
How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down.
Why did the blond speed on the highway? Because she thought the cars behind her where chasing her!!!!
A man was driving along the road when all of a sudden he has to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front. Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. As the policeman starting writing the ticket he noticed the box was full of nails and tacks. "I had to serve or I'd have run over those and blown my tyres!" protested the driver. "Ok", replied the officer, ripping up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in." "What for?" retorted the man. "Tacks evasion", answered the policeman.