The best death jokes

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you... Forty seven times.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, math
Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"
Vote: has 77.50 % from 30 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, family, death
A mathematician, physicist and economist after Titanic crash on uninhabited island in the middle of Atlantic ocean. Starving to death they found a can of roastbeef. They start debating how to open the can without can-opener. Mathematician suggests to drop the can from the cliff to open it. Physicist proposes to heat the can on bonfire. Economist: "Let's suppose the can is opened...."
Vote: has 76.99 % from 9 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: life, math, death
Chuck Norris went an hour without killing... just to kill some time.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, time
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, women
A man parachuted out of an aeroplane and his chute did not open. As he headed for almost certain death, he saw a man coming up toward him through the air from the ground. As the man zoomed by, the man headed down asked, "Do you know anything about parachutes?" The man replied in passing, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?"
Vote: has 76.89 % from 23 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: men, airplane, death
Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die. Upon Jeff's arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. "Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked. St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven." Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?" So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous blonde in a bikini, and also with keg of beer. "I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff. "It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it... and the blonde doesn't."
Vote: has 76.51 % from 40 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: life, car, death, heaven, beer
A masked man walks into a bank and holds it up at gunpoint to rob the bank. In the process of robbing the bank, his mask fell off. He quickly put it back on his face and asked the teller directly ahead of him if she saw his face. She admitted that she did, so he shot and killed her. He then turned to the teller that was beside the one her just killed and asked if she had also seen his face. She said that she did and he shot and killed her too. He then turned to a man, a customer who just happened to be in the bank when the robbery was taking place. The robber asked the customer if he had seen his face. The customer replied, “No, but I’m pretty sure my wife did.”
Vote: has 76.48 % from 156 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: women, death, wife
Sticks and stones may break your bones but Chuck Norris' fists will kill you.
Vote: has 76.32 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Chuck Norris knows how to kill you in more ways than you know how to die.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death