The best death jokes

A presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning wearing a good sized diamond ring. One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it. "My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!
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More jokes about: beauty, mother in law, money, death, funeral
One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly, the blonde's friend said, "Oh, look, a dead birdie!" The blonde looked up and said, "Where?"
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More jokes about: blonde, death, bird, stupid
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner: "Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?" "No." "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?" "Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."
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More jokes about: lawyer, death
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. "I’m sorry," said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks." "But I could be dead by then!" "No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment."
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More jokes about: black humor, doctor, office, time, death
Curiosity didn't kill the cat. Chuck Norris did.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, animal
When a Jedi dies they become part of the force, when the force dies it becomes part of Chuck Norris.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Chuck Norris once stared death in the face... Death pissed his pants.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: "Help me, please help me! There is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?" "Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves." "You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!" "Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?" "I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk!" "Help me please, please help!"
Vote: has 75.95 % from 60 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, death, cat, parrot
The results of in-depth studies have determined that the most often used sexual position for marriedcouples is the "doggie position". The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.
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More jokes about: life, sex, marriage, husband, death
Q: What is a redneck's last words? A: Hold my beer and watch this!
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More jokes about: redneck, death, beer