The best death jokes

Yo mama so old, I told her to act her own age and she died.
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A Shark alarm at Sydney’s Bondi Beach sent everyone rushing from the water –except for three young boys who didn’'t hear the siren. Onlookers were horrified to see a dorsel fin moving fast towards them. Suddenly, a tall bloke took a deep breath, dived into the surf, swam past the shark, and scooped up two of the boys, swiftly bringing them to the shore and safety. He then took another deep breath and swam out again, snatching the third boy before rapidly approaching, before the monster could attack. Then got him back to the beach in one piece. The heroic bloke then put a knife between his clenched teeth, swam out to the shark, and killed it in a furious battle. As he staggered out from the surf, bleeding and battered, a journalist raced up to him and said, “That was the most heroic thing I’'ve ever witnessed mate. This will appear on the front page of tomorrow’s newspaper: “Aussie hero saves three boys from killer shark!” “Thanks.” Smiles the fella, “but I'’m not an Aussie. I'’m a British backpacker.” “No worries,” said the journalist with a frown, “it'’ll still be front-page news.” The next day, the newspaper’s headline screamed, “Pommy bastard kills boy'’s pet fish!”
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More jokes about: animal, death
Chuck Norris cleans up crime... with a mop and bucket... full of people's blood.
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"Killed it" is a figure of speech implying someone stopped the banter. To Chuck Norris that's just the motto of his life.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, life, death
A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There" says the vet," Your hamster is dead". Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head. "It's definitely dead sir", says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be L1000, please". "A L1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".
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More jokes about: animal, doctor, death
Chuck Norris hit you tomorrow, is going to hit you yesterday, and you're now dead.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, time
The phrase "I am become death, destroyer of worlds" was actually first coined by Chuck Norris when he came out of the womb.
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Chuck Norris can strum your pain with his fingers, tell your whole life with his words – but mainly just kill you softly with his song.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, life, death, music
Charlie Sheen is a drug, it will melt your face and kill you. Chuck Norris had two 8-Balls of Sheen and is now suing for false advertising.
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If Chuck Norris is after you, don't bother killing yourself, he'll pull you down from heaven and kill you again.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, heaven, death