The best death jokes

I'm going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do... by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely, Michael Myers
Vote: has 54.97 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, Halloween, black humor, teen
About 4,000 years ago: God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!" Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note* God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"
Vote: has 54.97 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: time, god, life, death, money
Chuck Norris has a Roundhouse Kick button on his Facebook page, and when he deletes a friend they actually die.
Vote: has 54.87 % from 7 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, Facebook, death
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
Vote: has 54.77 % from 35 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: military, navy, air force, death, money
Q: What's blue and doesn't fit? A: A dead epileptic.
Vote: has 54.59 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, death
Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies? A: A rotisserie chicken.
Vote: has 54.16 % from 10 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, death
Chuck Norris used to be a soccer referee. He lost the job after giving penalties to the players: Death Penalty.
Vote: has 54.16 % from 10 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, soccer, death
An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON’T TOUCH THOSE - they’re for the funeral!"
Vote: has 54.15 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: old people, death, food, funeral, wife
Black preacher is driving home from church and sees the white preacher walking down the road. He reluctantly pulls over to offer him a ride. A short distance along the way the whit guy says " you people don't actually think Jesus was black do you?" "And what makes think he's not?" The black pastor snaps back. The conversation becomes so heated less than needed attention was paid to the road and both men died in a trgic head on collision. When st. Peter opened the pearly gates to heaven before them, there stood Jesus Christ himself. He spread his arms slowly in a welcoming gesture and said "Buenos dias amigos!"
Vote: has 54.11 % from 141 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black people, church, god, death, heaven
Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you." The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk. The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die." The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?"
Vote: has 53.42 % from 178 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, death, car, marriage