The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
Question: How do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is? Answer: A widow.
Yo mama so fat she died.
I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man. Love, To forgive him and; Patience, For his moods. Because if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death.
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, "Please, Mary, put down that damn gun..."
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"
Q: What did the Alabama Sheriff call the black man who shot himself 15 times? A: The worst suicide case he has ever seen.
A boxer had written on his tombstone: "You can stop counting. I'm not getting up."
Boy’s father come back from uk & was calling his wife. Boy:- papa mom has died. father slaped boy & said why u dont inform me when i was in America Boy :- i thought i will give u a surprise.
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God… “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case, I’m going to let you decide where you want to go!” Bill replied, “Well, thanks, God. What’s the difference between the two?” God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision.” “Fine, but where should I go first?” God said, “I’m going to leave that up to you.” Bill said, “OK, then, let’s try Hell first.” So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. “This is great!” he told God, “If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!” “Fine,” said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. “Hmm, I think I prefer Hell” he told God. “Fine,” retorted God, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. “How’s everything going, Bill?” God asked. Bill responded – his voice full of anguish and disappointment, “This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can’t believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?” God says, “That was the screen saver”.