The best disgusting jokes

A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off. A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby. The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me." "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man. "No way, you're disgusting, go away." The homeless man turns and starts walking away. The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?" The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."
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has 78.38 % from 365 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, black humor, disgusting, life, sex
There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies. When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre. When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off. When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, "Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them." He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point. They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart. The girl's father stands up and hollers "Duke!" and sits back down. "Great!" he thought. "They really think it's the dog!" So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers. Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts "Duke!" and sits back down. Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. "Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!"
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has 78.38 % from 604 votes. More jokes about: beauty, dating, disgusting, fart, food
Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other? A: Together, we can stop this sh*t.
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has 78.27 % from 216 votes. More jokes about: disgusting
Q: Why do men fart louder than women? A: because they have a microphone and two speakers.
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has 78.17 % from 421 votes. More jokes about: dirty, disgusting, fart, men, women
One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow. "What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified. "Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."
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has 78.00 % from 136 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, doctor
There were three nurses in a morgue... They entered a room where they had discovered that there was a dead man laying on the bed with a hard-on. The first nurse was very forward and said, "Wow! I have never seen that before, I can't let that go to waste". After saying this the first nurse sat and rode it. The 2nd nurse did the same. The third nurse explained that she couldn't as she was on her period. After a bit of convincing she eventually rode it. After 3 minutes the man woke up. The Nurses said, "What the hell... You were dead a few minutes ago" The man replied, "yeah I was... But I feel great now I have had two jump starts and a blood transfusion".
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has 77.66 % from 139 votes. More jokes about: death, dirty, disgusting, nurse, sex
Once there was a little boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, "Mommy, I have to piss." The mother said, "Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite." The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom. He told his father, "Daddy I have to whisper." The father said, "OK. Here, whisper in my ear."
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has 77.37 % from 266 votes. More jokes about: church, dad, disgusting
A farmer and a son live on a farm. The farmer is sitting in the kitchen when his son comes in from the barn with a large glass of white liquid. He is so excited because he's just milked a cow. Then he takes a big drink from the glass. His father just stares at him. "Son, we don't have a cow. We have a bull."
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has 77.22 % from 191 votes. More jokes about: animal, disgusting
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
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has 76.87 % from 104 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, doctor
An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit. But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all. So she came downstairs completely naked. "Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."
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has 76.37 % from 160 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, money, wife
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