There was a vampire who walked into a vampire bar and asked the bartender for a glass of hot water. The bartender asked what for, because everyone else was drinking blood. The vampire pulled out a bloody tampon and said "TEA TIME!"
3 bums were outside a bar. The first one went in and asked for a fork. The second one went in and also asked for a fork. Then the third one went in and wanted a straw. At this point, the bartender became curious. "How come all your friends want forks and you want a straw?" "Well," the bum said, "the dog threw up and the chunks are all gone."
What is grosser than gross? When you're kissing Grandma and she slips you the tongue.
What's grosser than gross? A bloody mary with curly, brittle hairs in it!
Did you hear about the midget that went into the whorehouse? He got a twat in the face.
Some advice for guys: When the red river's flowin', take the dirt road.
Q: What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef? A: Anyone can roast beef.
Why did God give women legs? So they don't leave a trail like a slug.
What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield? It's ass.
Three old men were sitting on a porch. "I wish I could take a healthy piss," said one. "I wish I could take a healthy crap," said another. "I can take a crap at 6 AM and a piss at 11 AM. I just wish I could get up before noon."