The best drunk jokes

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk." A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk" Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk" The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."
Vote: has 83.18 % from 95 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, drunk, bar, bartender, drunk
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk." A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk" Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk" The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."
Vote: has 83.18 % from 95 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, drunk, bar, bartender, drunk
Peter loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this. One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk. He tries to stand up, but immediately falls to the floor. He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor. People offered to help him, but he said no each time. He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, thinking his wife would never catch him. The next morning, Peter's wife says, "Pete, you bloody worthless idiot, no good drunkard! You were at the bar last night drinking again!" Peter was confused. "How did you find out?" "The bar called. You left your wheelchair there."
Vote: has 82.60 % from 487 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, love, bar, wife, drunk
A man comes home late one night, drunk. "Where have you been?" asks his wife. "In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar. "Do you have golden chairs?" "Yes." "Do you have golden glasses?" "Yes." "Do you have golden beer?" "Yes." "Do you have a golden urinal?" "Hold on." On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."
Vote: has 80.88 % from 50 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, drunk, wife, bar, beer
A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this? " "You're speaking to it."
Vote: has 80.60 % from 28 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, wine, men, drunk
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
Vote: has 80.58 % from 88 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, catholic, church, drunk
Three guys compare their levels of intoxication from a party the previous night. The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks." The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch." The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute home to my wife." The first guy exclaims, "You guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"
Vote: has 80.50 % from 230 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: disgusting, drunk, wife, dog, party
Always remember: There is not problem that 6 glasses of wine can't solve.
Vote: has 80.35 % from 11 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: wine, drunk
When my daughter asked me what to buy her friends for graduation presents. I suggested morning-after pills and bus passes.
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More jokes about: graduation, friendship, drunk
"Shay, buddy, whats a Breathalyzer?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool. "Well, Id have to say that its a bag that tells you when youve drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent. "Ah hell, whaddya know? Ive been married to one of those for years!"
Vote: has 79.57 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, science, wife, drunk