6 year old kid looking at Mom's ID card.
Sex: F
He laughs.
Mom: "Whats so funny?"
Kid: "I can't believe you're so bad in sex that you failed in it."
Husband died laughing.
Me: "I only smoke weed because of Cancer."
Mom: "You don't have Cancer!"
Me: "So it's working..."
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69.
And she said, "No, but I have done 53 that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?!"
Police: Where do u live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where does ur parents live?
Me: With me.
Police: Where do u all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is ur house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house.
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: If i tell you u wont believe me.
Police: Tell me
Me: Next to my house...
Q: What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: The genealogist checks the family tree and the gynecologist checks the family bush.
The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.
His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.
At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.
Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one.
Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.
At 8:55 Mary walks into the office.
"I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to Lay You or Jack off."
"Oh? jack-off," Mary says, "I've got a headache."
My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.
I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.
A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
His wife confessed, "Not this time."
We're watching Shrek as a family and at the moment when Fiona turned from a woman into an ogre, my 2yo pointed to the TV and said "now she's a mom."