Roses are red lemons are sour. Open your legs and give me an hour.
What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful? It's mashing!
Customer: "Waiter, this soup tastes funny." Waiter: "Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?"
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord’s prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is… that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her, so she decides to leave him a present. When he gets home, he finds an empty house, a bowl of cookies, and a video. He scarfs down the cookies, and pops in the video. On TV, he sees his wife sucking his best friend's d**k. He comes in her mouth, and she immediately spits the jizz into a bowl of cookie dough. Then she turns to the camera. "Oh, hello, I want a divorce."
The world is like a jar of jelly beans. Everybody hates the black ones.
Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.
Did you hear about the blonde who was a really good cook? She could get pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece!
What happened when a cannibal went on a self-catering holiday? He ate himself.
Why was the cannibal looking peeky? Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!