Three couples are having a picnic.
One man says to his wife, "Pass me the honey, honey."
The second man says to his wife, "Pass me the sugar, sugar."
Then the third man says to his wife, "Pass me the bacon, pig."
Whats the cheapest type of meat that a redneck can buy?
Deer balls, they're under a buck.
Three men were walking along in the forest when they were captured by a group of cannibals.
The king of the cannibals gives the three men a challenge "If you complete this challenge, you will go free, if not we will eat you."
The three men, not wanting to die, agree to hear the challenge.
"You most go in to the forest and pick out 10 of any fruit you find, bring those fruits back here" the king says.
The three men head out in search of their fruit.
The first man comes back with 10 apples in his hands, happy as can be.
The king then says "You must shove those 10 apples up your butt without making a sound."
The man reluctantly agrees to try.
He gets the first one up without a sound, but screams in agony on the second and is killed and eaten.
The second man comes back with 10 grapes in his hand.
Again the king states the challenge.
The 10 fruit up the ass, without any sound.
This is going to be easy he thinks.
He gets through the first 9 without a single sound.
Just as he is about to shove the 10th grape up he bursts out in laughter.
He is killed immediately.
The second guy still laughing meets the first guy up in heaven.
The first guy says, "What's so funny? You could have still been alive!"
He replies "I saw our buddy coming back with 10 pineapples and a huge smile."
A family was having some people to dinner.
At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.
Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"
Yo' Mama's cooking is so bad, the homeless give it back.
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher.
The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."
My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing?
Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.
Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.
Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.
"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad," Kate said.
Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don’t think so."
A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out."
"Who do I look like an electrician, I don’t think so," Paul says.
A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."
Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don’t think so."
Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.
He decides to go to a bar down the road.
After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.
He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.
He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.
He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this."
She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch."
A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.
He fixed everything.
I asked him what I could do for payment."
He said "I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."
Paul says, LWell, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don’t think so!"
Yo' Mama is so stupid, when they said, "Order in the court," she asked for fries and a shake.
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: "What are you shaking about, it's me she's going to eat."
Vote: