Q: What game do tornadoes like to play?
A: Twister.
I was taking a golf lesson at the range one day trying to improve my game.
This old pro was sitting there giving the lesson and after every swing, he said: "your standing too close the ball".
So I adjusted my stance and took another swing.
Again the golf pro looked up from his seat and said the Same thing "you are too close to the ball."
So I stepped back a little more and swung.
This went on for another six swings with the same advice and finally, out of exasperation I screamed what the hell are you talking about!
The old pro said, "no no, you are too close to the ball after you hit it".
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he beats it fair and square.
Vote:
Which big cat should you never play cards with?
A cheetah.
Q: What do a woman and a bar have in common?
A: Liquor in the front, Poker in the back.
Chuck Norris once won a Poker tournament using only Pokemon cards.
Vote:
Billy and Joe were huge baseball fans.
One day, both Billy and Joe made a pact that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was played in heaven.
Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost.
A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says "Billy, it is so good to see you...so tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?".
"Well", Billy says, "I have some good news and bad news for ya.
First the good news...YES, there is baseball in heaven!".
"Thank God!" Joe shouts...
"What is the bad news?!".
"You're pitching tomorrow."
At a poor-side of Athens, a kid were on the street and was playing.
A cop who was crossing around that street, saw him and asked him: "What are you doing there kiddo?"
"I’m playing..."
"What are you playing?"
"Oh, well... I collect sand, I pour some water in and I add then some poop and I’m making little weaklings!"
"What kind of weaklings?"
"Cops..."
The cop, furious, slaps the kid and screams: "Get the hell away from here and run to your house! I never wanna see you wondering around here."
For the next two days, the kid didn’t show up.
The third day, the kid was on the same spot, playing.
The cop, saw him again and approached the kid.
"What are you doing there?"
"I’m playing..."
"What?"
"Oh, well... I collect sand, then pour some water in and I’m making little weaklings."
"Congratulations! enthusiastic said the cop. And what kind of weaklings you’re making there?"
"Firefighters...!"
"So, how come you’re not putting any poop on them as well?"
"Cause, whenever I do, they come out cops...!"
After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.
The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that he could recognize any animal’s skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.
This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the BET was on.
They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, “Springbok.”
Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, “And it was shot with a 22 rifle.”
He was right!
The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before.
When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round.
So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Kalahari Lion.”
Fingering the bullet hole, he added, “The rifle was a 308.”
He was right again!
This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
So he said to his wife, “Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn’t get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?”
His wife replied angrily, “From me!”
“What did I do?” he asked.
She replied, “You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, ‘Skunk, killed with an ax!’”