A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him:
He was expecting an ocean-view hotel room.
I explained that was not possible since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
"Don't lie to me," he said. "I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."
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How to speak Irish:
Whale
Oil
Beef
Hooked
Say them all quickly.
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Man visits India and meets an old man in the town square who is renowned for his elephantine memory.
He asks the old man what he had for breakfast on the same day 15 years back.
"Eggs," replies the old man, the man scoffs at this saying everyone has eggs for breakfast and walks away.
Ten years later he returns to India and sees the same old man on the same spot, goes to him and asks, "How?"
The old man takes one look at his face and replies, "Scrambled."
Q: How do you find how many fat people are in America?
A: Throw a cookie into the street.
An IRS agent is lying on his psychiatrist's couch bemoaning the fact that everyone in the world hates him.
"Nonsense", says his doctor. "Everyone in the world doesn't hate you. Everyone in the United States, perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world."
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There's a rumor that Steve Jobs, has been a Buddhist, has been reincarnated as a factory worker on a sweatshop assembly line in China.
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Q: What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?
A: They've both been laid all over America.
Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.
"I blame the general manager," said the first fan. "If he signed better players, we'd be a great team."
"I blame the players," said the
second fan. "If they made more of
an effort, we'd score some points."
"I blame my parents," said the third. "If I'd been born in Seattle,
I'd be supporting a decent team."
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Q: Why is Santa always so jolly when he comes to the UK?
A: He can claim Gift Relief.
God tried to make everyone different. He got bored by the time he got to China.