The best god jokes

If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.
Vote: has 76.06 % from 28 votes. Send joke:

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If God is a woman then we're all going to go to Hell, but we'll never know why.
Vote: has 75.97 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: women, god
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act.’ "Well, show me," the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
Vote: has 75.95 % from 60 votes. Send joke:

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Yo' Mama is so fat, she buys clothes in three sizes: large, extra large, and "Oh my God, it's coming towards us!"
Vote: has 75.91 % from 138 votes. Send joke:

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God gave man his penis and his brain but blood only enough to work one another at a time.
Vote: has 75.27 % from 27 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: men, god, work
A guy and a girl are lying in a room after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man, oh Man I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin." The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?" "Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity." Astounded, the girl replies,"So you really love me?" "Oh God no!", the guy says."I just got sick of waiting."
Vote: has 75.04 % from 679 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: sex, love, god
Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?" "About two and a half feet." "Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"
Vote: has 75.00 % from 15 votes. Send joke:

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Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won't claim that god did it.
Vote: has 75.00 % from 15 votes. Send joke:

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One day Mrs. Smith went to have a talk with the minister at thelocal church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this needle with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Smith is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Smith dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the needle. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Smith," said the minister. Soon, Mr.Smith nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Smith. "God!" Mr. Smith cried out as he was stuck again with the needle. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.Smith again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Smith mistook as signals to prod her husband with the needle again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Smith poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your a***s!" "Amen," replied the congregation.
Vote: has 74.97 % from 21 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: men, church, husband, work, god
The church is struck by lightning. The insurance company refuses to pay out for damages incurred, as there is a specific disclaimer clause for "An act of God", which, amongst others, lightning is classified as. The priest goes to every household and asks for a donation to rebuild the church. One Christian farmer protested, "I'm sorry, Pastor, but I can't give money to Somebody who set His own house alight!"
Vote: has 74.84 % from 8 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: life, church, god, priest, christian