The best health jokes

Chuck Norris was once tested for steroids. The results came back positive. When confronted with this information, Chuck Norris chuckled and said, "Of course, what do you think they make steroids from?"
Vote: has 80.33 % from 68 votes. Send joke:

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Chuck Norris' pulse-rate is measured on the Richter Scale.
Vote: has 80.14 % from 48 votes. Send joke:

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An old man goes to his doctor. The doctor says "I got some bad news for you. you have Cancer and you have Alzheimer's." And the old man says "At least I don't have Cancer."
Vote: has 79.34 % from 46 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: old people, doctor, health
A fat lady (To a health expert): "Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness." Health expert: "Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time." Fat lady: "At which particular time?" Health expert: "Whenever anybody asks you to eat."
Vote: has 79.06 % from 39 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: life, fat, health, doctor
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…
Vote: has 79.04 % from 132 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: life, health, math, phone
The Total Gym uses Chuck Norris to stay in shape.
Vote: has 78.95 % from 75 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, fitness, health
Phone a friend and tell them you're a doctor, and you're very, very sorry, but you did everything you could to save their... then pretend that the connection dropped out. Wait a couple beats, then give your deepest condolences. Then hang up.
Vote: has 78.80 % from 10 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: phone, doctor, death, health
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
Vote: has 78.80 % from 10 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: doctor, health, life, time
Chuck Norris once caught AIDS... but then he let it go.
Vote: has 78.47 % from 44 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, health
A few guys tried to follow Chuck Norris during a light workout while he was vacationing in Hawaii. It's now called the Ironman Triathlon.
Vote: has 77.64 % from 48 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, health, gym, geography