When Chuck Norris gets nominated for the ALS ice bucket challenge, the bucket donates $1000 to ALS research.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory." Friend: "What did he do?" Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker. The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man ask “What are they doing in there”? The nurse responds, “They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care..”
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replied, "Hell, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks."
If you carefully examine your health insurance policy, you will see that there is no cover for "Chuck Norris related incidents".
Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack. "How did that happen?" asks the first guy. "Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot." "Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."
Why did the computer get cold? Because it forgot to close windows.
Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?" The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me." The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."
Cancer gets checked for Chuck Norris.
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently." "Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?" "Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."