The best hospital jokes

"Jeff, my child, your mother had to stay in the hospital for a few days, cause the stork that brought your baby brother bite her by accident." "Oh, gosh! What a terrible thing to happen to her after such a difficult birth!"
Vote: has 64.78 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: kids, hospital, baby
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary. One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter. The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, “I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!” The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face. “What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant. The other partner announced, “They were twins and mine died!”
Vote: has 64.78 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: lawyer, life, hospital, car, death
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity. "First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..." "I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money." The Lawyer funny responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
Vote: has 63.66 % from 28 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: lawyer, money, death, hospital
A husband asks his very ill wife at the hospital: Tell me what is your last wish? Nothing more, I just want to check my status on Facebook.
Vote: has 62.69 % from 268 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Facebook, wife, hospital, health
A guy gets out of the V.D. Hospital and decides to a hire a hooker, since he's been without for so long. Before long, he brings one home, and they have sex four times. After it's over, he turns to her and tells her he hasn't had sex in four months because of being in the V.D. Hospital. "How's the food there?" asks the hooker. "Because I'm going in there tomorrow!"
Vote: has 62.22 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: disgusting, hospital, sex, food
A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. “This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!” “Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?” “Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.” “Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, “Well no, but … it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
Vote: has 61.28 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, health, doctor, hospital, food
Patient: "I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?" Doctor: "You’ve had an accident involving a bus." Patient: "What happened?" Doctor: "Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" Patient: "Give me the bad news first." Doctor: "Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them." Patient: "That’s terrible! What’s the good news?" Doctor: "There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers."
Vote: has 58.67 % from 33 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, hospital, doctor
It is convenient to be near a hospital when you are injured. It is also convenient to insult Chuck Norris while standing in an open grave.
Vote: has 56.84 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, hospital, funeral, death
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, “Give it to me straight. How long have I got?” The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night. The man then said, “Call for my lawyer.” When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied “Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I’d check out the same way.”
Vote: has 52.18 % from 15 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: lawyer, hospital, lawyer, god
There is woman at a mental hospital that are told to go out into the world and find out something new about it. After about 3 hours she go back to the hospital and tell the the manager what she has learned. The woman goes up to the manager and puts a large spider on the table and shouts, "BOO" and the spider scurries under the table. She then picks up the spider, pulls all of it's legs off and shouts, "BOO" but the spider can't move. The manager then looks strangely at the woman and asks her what she has learned about the world. The woman replies, "When I pull all the legs off a spider it can't hear me!"
Vote: has 51.34 % from 12 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: women, hospital