The best husband jokes

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
Vote: has 52.05 % from 59 votes. Send joke:

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Husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Wife: Because I married the wrong man!
Vote: has 52.05 % from 59 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, husband
A woman was standing naked, looking herself at the mirror. She was not satisfied with what she was looking at and said to her husband: "I feel awful. I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need a compliment right now." Her husband replied: "Your vision is perfectly nice!" ...and then the fight started.
Vote: has 52.03 % from 177 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, husband, age, fat
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time. The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child." The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes." He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too." Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no...smallcox, too!"
Vote: has 51.99 % from 89 votes. Send joke:

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A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband. "But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter. "Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."
Vote: has 51.64 % from 42 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, husband, wife, food
After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
Vote: has 51.28 % from 44 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, wife, husband, love
An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband. When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!" The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"
Vote: has 51.00 % from 53 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, husband, women
Husband: Everytime I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger? Wife: I clean the toilet seat... Husband: How does it help Wife: I use your toothbrush!
Vote: has 50.96 % from 46 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, husband, wife
A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house, and heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?" "Yes, of course," she replied. "Well, I would have been released tonight."
Vote: has 50.96 % from 46 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, wife, husband, prison
There's a new pain reliever for wives that relieves the headache caused by a husband who never remembers your anniversary. It's called "Jackasspirin."
Vote: has 50.70 % from 17 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: wife, anniversary, husband