Joke #1040

Q. What's green and red? A. A very mad frog.

A dog with three legs walks into a Wild West bar and says, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.  The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running.  About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.  He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.  The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.  The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.  The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third fucking rooster I bought this month." Moral of this story? Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?" "A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here." Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, lawyer is always the third thing they look up? Because the first thing a child looks up is dog. The second is snake. And under snake, the encyclopedia says See Lawyer.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar, one turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew twenty bucks in there..."

A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter said to the cat, "Is there anything I can do to make your stay here better?" The cat said, "I've been sleeping on a cold floor and I'd love a warm pillow to sleep on. St. Peter gave a pillow to the cat, and the cat headed off to bed. Later, some mice came to St. Peter. They wanted roller skates to get around faster so St. Peter gave them their skates and the mice went off. The next evening St. Peter checks in on the cat. "How was your night last night?" The cat said "That pillow you gave me is really nice, but what I like the most about heaven is the Meals on Wheels."

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. He drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my dick and pull yourself up.” And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes!

Why are there no zebras in Czech zoos? Czechs and stripes don’t mix.

What hair style is a calf's favorite? The cowlick.

Little Johnny walks in on his mother in the bathtub. He asks his mother what is the big fuzzy patch below her bellybutton. She replies, "A bush." The next day Little Johnny walks in on his father while he's in the shower. He asks, "What is that big long thing hanging between your legs?" His father replies, "It is a snake." A few days later, Little Johnny walks in on his mother, once again in the bathtub. He asks, "What are those two baggy things hanging above your bellybutton?" She replies, "Headlights." A couple weeks go by and the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. He yells, "Mom, turn on your headlights! The snake is crawling into your bush!"