Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Q:Where do you find giant snails? A:On the ends of their fingers.
Teacher: Give me an example of animal. Jimmy: Frog Teacher: Give me another. Jimmy: Another Frog.
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what colour they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!" The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy back wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.
Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer? He wanted her to hit the hay!
A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere. Everytime the man moved close to the sheep, his dog would snarl and growl at him. One day while walking the island he discovered a lovely naked lady who also had just become marooned. "Finally, some company!" he thought. While sitting on the shore and the watching the sunset with his new female friend, he slowly leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Hey, could you go walk the dog?"
Q: What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? A: De-calf-i-nated.
Q: Did you hear the Energizer Bunny Was Arrested? A: Charged With Battery.
"I can't decide whether to buy a bicycle or a cow for my farm." "Well, wouldn't you look silly riding a cow?" "I d look a darn sight sillier trying to milk a bicycle!"
Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic