Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
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Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child,"No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
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What did the flower say to be the bee?
"Buzz off you stupid ugly horny cunt."
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What do you get when you cross a rabbit with strawberry soda?
A berry bubbly bunny.
What's green green green green green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
Q: Why should you never set the turkey next to the desert?
A: Because he will gobble, gobble it up!
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Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don't work.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
I have no I-Deer.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Who held the baby octopus to ransom?
Squidnappers.
A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She called the police immediately to report the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch.
The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder.
She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.
"What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer.
The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a blind policeman!"