What do you call a neurotic octopus?
A crazy, mixed-up squid.
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What’s the difference between a pigeon and a nigger?
The pigeon is white and the nigger can’t fly!
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What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.
Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal.
Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.
They take it into the car and continue down the road.
The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?
He thinks for a minute and says, " Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch.
Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down."
She exclaims, " I'm not going to do that!
That thing is smelly and nasty!"
The husband replies," Well, why don't you just hold it's little nose!"
Q. Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat?
A. Because he was pissed off!
What's a moo hoo for a darling bull?
A dear steer.
Q: What do you call a naked deer?
A: Buck naked!
A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump.
My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
What do you get when a cow goes to the Beach with tanning oil?
Pre-tanned leather.
I had to get rid of my husband.
The cat was allergic.
Q: Why doesn't Tigger have any friends?
A: He plays with Pooh.
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