What do you call someone who sticks his right hand in shark's mouths? Lefty.
Why do cows like being told joke? Because they like being amoosed.
What happened when the lion ate the comedian? He felt funny.
What do you call a turtle with a hard on? A slow poke.
What must a policeman have before searching a rabbits home? A search warren.
The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests. A disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that he was a professional rat-killer. "Get to work," the store-keeper urged. "I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared. When this had been provided: "Now give me a quart of whiskey." Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly: "Now show me the cellar." An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store. His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in air and shouted: "Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"
What is a cow's favourite TV show? Dr Moo.
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and order a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for Panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
A man is walking home when he sees a dog buying meat for his owner. The man watches the dog when the butcher takes a little to much and growls and him until he gets the right amount. The man follows the dog and watches as the dog stands on two legs and helps an old lady across the street. Amazed the man follows the dog home and watches the dog ring the doorbell. When the owner comes to the door the owner takes the bags and tells the dog to stay in the front yard. Frustrated the man goes up to the owner and yells "This dog is amazing! He gets your groceries, makes sure you have the exact change, helps old ladies across the street and this is how you treat him!" The owner replies, "I know but,this is the 3rd time this week he left his keys".
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
Two snakes are talking. One of them turns to the other and asks, "Are we venomous?" The other replays, "Yes,why?..." "I just bit ma lip."