Joke #11020

Latecomer: Am I too late for the bonfire? Host: No jump up there on the sticks, there is room next to that Guy.

It's a slow day in heaven, so St. Peter decides to show a new guy around. St. Peter shows him all of the sights: the golf course, library, observation deck, cafeteria and a huge room full of clocks. "What's up with those clocks, Peter?" "Everyone on Earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged." The guy notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. St. Peter tells him that every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock. The guy notices one clock in the center of the ceiling with both hands whirling around at an unbelievable rate. "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies. That's George W. Bush's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

How many dead babies does it take to change a tire? Two, one to prop up the car and one to replace it incase it explodes.

Two Arabs are sitting in the Gaza Strip chatting over a pint of goats milk. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. "Here's my second son. He's a martyr too!" After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully says , They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A: With a knife.

My Girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess for her birthday. So I took her out, got her drunk, and crashed the car.

How did the tugboat get AIDS? It was rear-ended by a ferry.

Q: What is the point of Jewish football? A: To get the quarter back

Why is Hitler never invited to BBQ's? He always burns the franks.

W: Where did Lucy go during the bombing? A: Everywhere.

What's the difference between a police officer and a bullet? When a bullet kills someone else, you know it's been fired.