Q: Why did the atheist throw her watch out the window?
A: She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird.
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There was this atheist and he was in the woods.
And suddenly he heard some leaves cracking.
He looked behind and there was a huge bear behind him.
He started running and running and soon the bear was right on top of him and his paw was on top of him like he was going to swat him but suddenly he saw this big light appear and said; “For all these years you have despised me and now you call for my help.”
The atheist said, “I’m sorry God. If you can’t help me, can’t you at least turn the bear into a Christian?
Then the light disappeared.
Then the bear knelt down and said, “Bless me Lord for this meal I’m about to receive!”
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.
As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him.
He ran as fast as he could.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw... brought both paws together... bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Question: What do you get if you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's witness?
Answer: Someone who knocks on your door for no reason at all.
Teacher: "Name five things that contain milk."
Pupil: "Butter, cheese, ice cream … and two cows."
What did the male squirrel say when the female attacked him...
Get away from my nuts.
A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.
When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.
A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law.
The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary.
The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."
It says, "Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves."
Q: Did you hear about the the evangelical atheist?
A: She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.
Q: Why did the Atheist cross the road?
A: He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn't believe it until he tested his hypothesis.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with strawberry soda?
A berry bubbly bunny.