A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments.
I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door.
With your elbow, push button 301.
I buzz you in.
Come inside and elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor.
When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.
OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What... You're coming empty handed?"
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So David Is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride.
"Ma", he said to his Mother, "I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance."
Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him.
"It's that one", said his mother, without blinking an eye.
"Holy cow", exclaimed David, "how in the world did you know it was her?"
"I just don't like her", she replied.
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Q: What is a difference between "accident " and "tragedy"?
A: Suppose you with the family are beside a pool. You suddenly push your mother in law into the pool - so it's an accident. If she could swim and gets out, in that case, it's a tragedy!
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Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: You kick his sister in the jaw.
Son: "What are you going to be for Halloween dad?"
Me: "Drunk"
Son: "What's mom gonna be?"
Me: "Mad"
Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection.
Once, a man asked how much a record cost.
My coworker quoted him the price, then added, "But there's a surcharge if we have to listen to how your mother made you throw out all your old vinyl records."
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"Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?"
"My name is Paul."
Your families are extremely proud of you.
You can't imagine the sense of relief they are experiencing.
This would be a most opportune time to ask for money.
Teacher: "Who can tell what is a mammal?
Little Johnny: "My grand mother!"
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My great grandson's class were asked to make a mothers day card for their mothers.
On mothers day he presented this beautiful hand made a card to his mum...
Hearts and kisses and wishing her Happy Mums Day on opening the card printed in bold letters was "DADS THE BEST"...
Needless to say, his mum still loves him.