Q: Why can't lawyers do NMR?
A: Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."
The neutron says "Are you sure?"
The proton replies "I'm positive."
Helium walks into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."
Helium doesn't react.
Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?
A: If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.
A photon is checking into a hotel and the bellhop asks him "Do you have any luggage?"
The photon replies, "Nope, I'm traveling light."
Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."
The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" - and he died.
Q: What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
A: HeHe
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
A: Na