Elmore walked into his favorite truck stop cafe and said to the owner, "Hey, Roy, you wanna take a chance on a raffle?" "Whada ya win?" "A million dollars!" said the redneck. "You get a dollar a year for a million years." "How much are they each?" "Ten cents. Two for a quarter. Or three for half a dollar!"
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest." The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away. "Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?" The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"
After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment. And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.” “That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change.”
An airman finds a barber shop near the base and goes inside for a haircut. After getting a nice, short flat-top, the airman asks how much he should pay. "No charge, son" replies the barber, "Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." The next day, as he opens shop, the barber finds a squadron T-shirt and a thank-you note left by his customer. Later that day, a staff sergeant comes in, asking the barber to take a little bit off the sides. When the haircut was complete and the NCO reaches for his wallet, the barber again says: "No charge, sergeant. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." The next day, as he opens shop, he is pleased to find an Air Force hat and a squadron coin by the door, with a thank-you note. Later that day, a colonel comes in, asking if the barber can do something to cover his bald spot. The barber obliges, and when it comes time to pay, he again says: "No charge, sir. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." The barber comes to work the next day and finds on his doorstep... three more Air Force colonels.
A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he’s at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days. The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby. The frightened investor was amazed! "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?" "Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours."
The teacher asked little Johnny, “What’s two and two?”. He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, “Four, teacher?”. She said, ” Yes, that’s right, but you counted on your fingers. Put your hands behind behind your back and tell me what’s three and three”. He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, “Six, teacher?”. She said, “Yes, that’s right, but you’re still counting on your fingers. Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what’s five and five”. He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, “Eleven, teacher?”.
A third age Scotsman was waiting for his son to return from his first date. Finally, he arrived after midnight. "Were you worried, father?" "Yes, I was really worried... I want to know how much did that date cost you..." "It cost me only four euros!" "Hmm, it's not that much." "I know father... But the girl didn't have any more money..."
A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day. The company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the raw materials at one end and churning out the finished product at the other. All of a sudden, the machine stopped and ground to a halt. Workers climbed all over it like ants to get it started again. The plant's manager stormed out of his office to find out why his multi-million- dollar machine wasn't making him any money. He listened to his people saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call a technician. Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible. The technician listened patiently, took one look at the massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a screw. The technician took a screwdriver and turned the screw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong. The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company. The technician answered, "$100,000.00". The manager looked at him and said, "You were here less than two minutes and just turned one screw. How can you charge so much? Give me an itemised bill." The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper: -Turning of one screw: $1.00. -Knowing which screw to turn: $99,999.00.