Friend pisses me off so I poked holes in his condom the night before he uses it. Three months later... my mom's pregnant.
Q: What do you call a lesbian with a big tongue? A: Well hung.
Q: When does a cub become a boy scout? A: When he eats his first Brownie.
What does a Rubik's cube and a pen*s have in common? They both get harder the longer you play with them.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Make choking noises...
What kind of bees make milk? Boo-Bees!
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house everyone felt shitty even the mouse. Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass, I settled down for a nice piece of ass. When all of a sudden I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my place to see what was the matter. When out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I new in a moment it must be Saint Nick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment the f*cker had fell. He filled all of our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer. He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a b*tch tore the chimney apart. He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight, "piss on you all and have a hell of a night."
Lady, how many sex partners have you had? Three.. oh no, wait... nine - I have forgotten one case.
The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball. The game of choice for frontline workers is football. The game of choice for middle management is tennis. The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf. Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.
Hey guys. Bet your female friend that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button. Thank me later.
Q: Why don't witches wear underwear? A: For a better grip on there broomstick!