When I was young, my slippers were red,
I could pick up my heels right over my head.
When I grew older, my slippers were blue,
but still I could dance the whole night through.
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Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
They're going to call her Old Spice.
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One Sunday afternoon an older couple was listening to a holy station on the radio.
They were about 98 years old and so frail, they couldn't walk to church.
The preacher said, ''If you put one hand on the radio and one hand on whatever you want healed I will heal it for you.''
So the old woman put one hand on the radio and one hand on her heart.
The old man tried to not let the old woman see but he put one hand on the radio and one hand on his penis.
The old woman looked over and said, ''He said he could heal, not raise the dead!''
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Taylor swift: so he calls me up and he's all like "I still love you" and I'm like...
Wait, is this Connor, Patrick, Joe, Luca, Taylor, John, Cory, Toby, Jake, Garret, Eddie, or Harry?
An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon.
They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said, "I should tell you I have acute angina."
The old man says, "I hope so. You sure don't have cute tits."
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An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman then gave the officer her license.
“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man replied, “He said he knows you!
Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty sit on the wall?
A: Because he wanted a photograph with Pink Floyd!
Q: And why did Humpty Dumpty have a big fall?
A: Because Pink Floyd did not turn up!
What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
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What does Michael Jackson call a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll?
Bait!
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2PAC once thought he was tougher than Chuck Norris... he was later murdered.
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A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began.
One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said: "You kids are a lot of fun. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing".
The boys were more than happy and continued to bang the bins. After a few days, the old man greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "I'm going to have to cut it down to 50 cents a day to keep banging the bins." The kids were obviously unimpressed but they accepted the reduction in payment and continued their afternoon activities.
A few days later, the man approached them again. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my payment yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"That's it?" the 'drum leader' exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these around for 25 cents each a day, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
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