Q: What's the only thing faster than a black man running away with your TV?
A: His son running away with your VCR.
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I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
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What do you call of 6 year old with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
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Daughter: Dad, this guy told me the sweetest thing ever.
Me: What's that hunny?
Daughter: He said I had nice bumper lights, and a nice trunk.
Me: Tell that niggie if he fills up your gas tank, I'll break his exhaust pipe, ya dig?
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I got in trouble for telling a joke in 5th grade.
Now I have to keep 250 feet away from all schools...
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Little Johnny was in Maths class when his teacher asked him:
"Johnny, if your Mother had to repay a loan of $100,000, and you gave her $50,000, what would she need to repay the loan?"
Johnny replied, "To repay the loan? $50,000 more. To stay alive? CPR."
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"Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?"
"First of all, don't give him anything to drink."
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Daddy to his son:
I don't care if you are dating a black girl - they are all pink on the inside.
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Anal sex is like your first car - you dont really want it, but your dad gave it to you anyways.
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Why did Hitler committed a suicide? He received the bill from Gazprom.
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My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.
I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering "Chun Yu Yan" over and over – and then died.
I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial.
Apparently, it means "You're standing on my oxygen tube."
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